Wednesday, November 7, 2012

My Brain Hurts. Not Anything NEW, per se...

So, I don't understand people.  I don't think I ever will.  When people are nice to me, it makes me cry.  I guess I am so used to getting shat upon, it's mind-blowing when people are nice because they are nice....

Case in point:  Today, I had a wild hair up me bum, and I decided to call Dante's classmate's mom and ask her what she was doing before we got the kids from school.  We met for coffee, and the fact she showed up made me cry.  Sad, isn't it?  We had a normal conversation, and we cooed at each others' wee ones, and then we took all of them to a park after school.  Would this make you burst into tears?  It did it for me.  I've gotten to a point in my life where people following through and being decent turns me into a puddle of goo.  Then, to top it off, the super awesome lady that teaches my Zumba class that I love is letting me hit up her class a couple more times this year even though my punch card was in a wallet that got lost and possibly stolen.  I nearly passed out.

More and more, it feels like the nicer and more honest I am, the more I become the gum on the bottom of The Universe's shoe.  I know I have a tendency to over-share (thanks, Mom, for pointing that out!), but I can't help it.  I don't get to talk to adults much anymore, so when I get the opportunity, I run my mouth out of sheer, unadulterated joy that I get to use vocabulary words from middle school with someone who has a 90% chance of knowing what that means.  I have to reign myself in, and it's hard.  I hate making new friends, but the ones I thought I had have evaporated.  I know life happens, but I'm left in the dust, missing what I didn't really have in the first place.  I'm in a weird headspace, where I still feel young, but I am not.  I still feel like a cool Mama Bat, training the baby bats in the way of the night, but I'm now a booger catcher.  The only reason I've worn velvet this year is because I was Morticia (and a crappy one at that) for Hallowe'en.  A corset?  It's been years.  As in, Dante was a pipe dream the last time boning graced my plump midsection.  My wardrobe has been reduced to yoga pants, over sized t-shirts, and unruly hair.  I nearly forgot how to put on my makeup.  But at the same time, do I care?  Most of the people in that scene snub blood sausages like me.  Yes, I still listen to a lot of the music, but so what?  I also still love my mariachi music, and I can sing Twinkle Twinkle with the best of them.  Now I know who all the Wiggles are, and I use Elmo as a teaching tool.  What happened to using Rozz Williams as a teaching tool?  Showing a cute little baby bat how to properly create a shadow effect and smokey eye?

I feel weird.  Very weird.  I'm getting to be cynical, and that hurts.  But it's hard not to when people find ways to mock and exclude me while pretending to at least give a shit about what I have to say.  I'm tired of being judged because I'm not married to a cash cow, like a doctor or lawyer, or because I'm not Organic enough, or whatever.  It's sick and twisted.  Maybe I should just come to terms with the fact that I made the odd call of marrying for love, not money, and I'm loud, and awkward, and goofy, and fiercely loyal and kind and honest to a fault...  Don't like it?  Then why the hell are you reading this?

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

The Masochism Cha-Cha...

A friend posted this cool website on Facebook that lets you look p your personality traits based on your birthday.  You even get to plug in a few birthdays and see if you are astrologically compatible with someone. And I am a f-ing MASOCHIST.

Case in point:  I checked me and my best friend, who died almost two years ago:

Title: Empathic Comrades
This combination offers a good example of how a relationship can create synergies. When faced with problems or challenges, for example, those born during the Week of the Child will act more from instinct, while more mental Week of Society persons will hang back a bit; yet this combination’s greatest strengths are neither instinct nor thought but emotion, feeling and empathy. In the long run, the relationship will give each partner the sensitivity to know and understand the other’s feelings. Week of the Child people’s outspokenness and Week of Society individuals’ reflectiveness may occasionally conflict, yet each has much to learn from the other. Often procrastinators,those born during the Week of Society may admire the ability of Week of the Child people to make up their mind and act without endless rumination; headstrong Week of the Child folks, for their part, may learn from Week of Society individuals how to be less rash and to use their common sense. Given the differences in each party’s orientation, this combination would not traditionally be recommended for love affairs, but actually things can work out. The crucial factor will be how strong physical attraction is; that both parties to the relationship enjoy having fun is a big plus. Marriages, on the other hand, may work out very nicely even if sexual or sensuous considerations are downplayed. Comradeship, affection, acceptance—all of these grow stronger in Week of the Child–Week of Society marriages as the years go by. A truly unselfish love is possible between these two, assuming that the Week of the Child person is not overly egotistical and does not ignore Week of Society needs. Week of Society people, meanwhile, must respect the Week of the Child person’s need for independence, yet without being masochistic and losing self-respect. As family members, Week of the Child individuals can help protect Week of Society relatives from being at the mercy of their dark side. Week of the Child people bring not only fun-loving qualities to the sibling or parent-child relationship but also understanding; they know what it is to be beset by moodiness themselves and can usually handle it better in others than deal with their own demons.

(I'm Week of the Child, Chris was Week of Society)

I'm beside myself with grief.  I had to go to the bathroom to cry so my kids didn't wake up thinking a dying seal landed in our living room.  I still feel like I'm missing a piece of my soul.  It sucks, but it's true.  And reading stuff like that doesn't help me.  It makes me think I need a "vacation" in a pretty jacket with buckles and a padded room.  I feel useless and terrible, and my heart is aching like it just broke all over again.

The pain and overwhelming sorrow are becoming a daily occurrence.  Every day, there's a song, or a car, or Scarlett makes a face, and there's a shattering in my chest that won't quit.  Every day, I am broken and miserable. I deserve a gorram Oscar for my happy persona performances.  I can make Doris Day look like the miserable sack I am on the inside.  I keep reminding myself that I need to fake it until it's true, but I'm starting not to care...

Saturday, July 7, 2012

I had a choice.

Make fudge and slowly nom on it all night, or go buy a pack of smokes.  So my face is covered in chocolate.  Mmmm, nothing like a fat girl with a fudge mustache.  Meh.  I'd rather be fat than see Dante pretend to smoke again.

My head hurts.  Like, OH MY GODS!  WHO IS SQUEEZING MY AMYGDALA? kind of pain. It's crazy.  I also have little trolls tap dancing on my temples, but they make me laugh, so screw it.

Ever have one of those cabin fever days where it feels like crushing your face with a cast iron skillet would be more fun that what you're doing?  That's how today was.  I am so incredibly dumb:  I decided, on day 2 of Not Smoking, that I was going to make drums with Dante out of baby cheesy poof containers and an old formula can.  People with OCD shouldn't do arts and crafts at home with their kids.  I thought my head was going to explode.  And then Scarlett stuck her feet in glue.  And Dante cut a hole in his new boxer briefs with his blunt scissors.  And colored all over himself with marker.  Oi.

The kids and I got into a splash fight in the tub earlier, which made my heart flutter.  It was a blast!  Scarlett "kicks" by holding on to the bath seat and lifting her butt and legs and splashing them down as hard as she can.  It's hilarious!  Dante just kicks and kicks until I am wiping bathwater off my face.

But Day 2 is almost over.  I am kinda twitchy.  Maybe it's because I haven't had enough coffee.  I think only two huge cups is some kind of record low.  =(

But now I have to have decaf, since it's bedtime.

Friday, July 6, 2012

Well, I'l be!

Today was Day One of No Smoking.  And both kids are still alive and well!  Hell, my head doesn't even hurt that bad!  I'm hoping it stays this easy!  I'm incredibly proud of myself!

While I'm here, I have to write (for posterity's sake) what's been going on with Dante at night.  He's taken to telling me before his lullabies that he Has to Talk to Me.  Usually, it's about Spongebob, or Sesame Street, or Bob the Builder.  Tonight, it was Super Why, and he gave me an elaborate story about how he and the characters went into a book and saved someone with the power of reading!  I nearly choked, trying to keep the laughter on the inside!  Then he told me that he and Bob the Builder were going to build him a teeny tiny house.  I asked him "Will Scarlett live with you?" and he said "Yes, and Tita [abuelita, spanish for grandmother] and Santiago [his cousin], too!"  So I asked, "Where will Mama and Daddy and Tia Paloma and Tio Steven [my in-laws, Santiago's parents] live?"

"Oh, the teeny tiny house is inside the big big house.  Don't worry, Mama.  I love you."

Seriously.  That child is sheer, unadulterated magic.  I love these kids.  Freakin' amazing...

So I am going to play my games as quickly as I can so I can hop in the shower and then melt into bed.  I'm fairly happy, but I may have to have more coffee to compensate for the lack of nicotine...

Thursday, July 5, 2012

I hope...

I sincerely hope this is my last cigarette.  I really am.  Almost two months of Chantix, a whole lot of pep talk, and sheer fucking will oughtta do it.  I'm not quitting for my health as much as I'm quitting for Dante, who has decided to start pretending to smoke.  I hate it.  I hate that he knows what a "smoke break" is.  I'm also quitting because of the firmly held belief that if my bestest friend in the whole wide world had quit when he was my age, he could still fucking be here.  (Please pardon all the French; I can't quite help it today...)

And in other news, since I have been meaning to post for a few months now, Scarlett wears a prosthetic helmet.  Her flat head was beginning to become an issue, not just on the squishiness of her face, but her doc and her physical therapist were afraid her optic nerve would get pinched, along with a host of other problems.  So, now she has a helmet with hearts all over it.

Oi.  For those that weren't paying attention, I got a new van for my birthday after my Subaru (bless her tired soul) gave me the finger in a way even I found obscene.  So now I have a minivan.  (Sigh.)  Said minivan decided on Sunday that she was going to pout and not start when I was trying to go get breakfast burritos for us.  Well, that didn't work, and I was stuck at 7-11 with me and Dante until Hubby came and rescued him while I waited for a tow.  Yeah.  So now I am waiting for the mobile mechanic to get his bum this way in traditional Denver rush hour traffic so I can get my car out of one of the dentist's parking spots.

Not too much is going on.  Next week, I get to go to a dear friend's wedding, and I'm taking Scarlett for her 1 year pictures and getting Dante some school clothes at JCPenney.  Not so much because I love what they have; I just really love how they keep featuring gay couples in their advertising.  Gotta support what you believe in!  (One of my soapboxes!)

I am REALLY looking forward to Dante going to school.  I think we are both getting tired of each other.  But that's another post, for another day.  If I can remember I have this thing.  =P

(Oh, and whomever said that it gets easier to function after a friends death with time can go fuck themselves. I miss him more and more every day, and there aren't enough pills on the face of the earth that can help.  Just sayin'.)


Thursday, March 29, 2012

A Belated Letter to Dante

Dearest Monkey Boy,

HOLY SMOKES, YOU'RE THREE YEARS OLD!  I remember bringing you home, wondering how on Earth I was going to care for you, and I must be doing something right.  You are strong, smart, gorgeous and hilarious!

I am so proud of you!  You can read the words:
Elmo (of course!)
Bob the Builder
and, of course, Dante.

You can count to thirty without repeating, and when someone sneezes, you say "Bless you!"  You are incredibly tenacious, and an amazing big brother!  Or, at least, your intentions are good.  Hahaha!  When I tell you I love you, sometimes you answer "thank you" and sometimes, "I love you, too, Mama!"

I am just beside myself with how magical you have turned out to be....I had no idea that such a little boy could have such a grip on my heart.  Yes, there are moments where I want to ship you off to Gramma's for the night (if only she lived closer!), but at the end of the day, I feel so incredibly lucky, blessed even, to call you my son.

With more love than I knew existed,


Wednesday, February 29, 2012


We've been a busy bunch!  My mom came for a visit the week after Valentine's Day, and we had a blast!  I also got a huge (thankfully benign) lump of bone extracted from my jaw.  It's been super busy, but I think I may actually have to elaborate know, once a certain energetic monkey boy has gone to bed....


Thursday, February 2, 2012

Long time, no blog....

I have been meaning to blog since Dante's first dentist appointment on January 9th.  But, life being what it is, I am carving out the time now to write about it.

He was awesome at the dentist!  He didn't complain, listened, and was hilarious and charming.  He actually didn't freak out until I didn't let him play with the credit card machine as we were leaving.  Yup...that's my boy!

Since then, I have had to deal with idiots at our now former pediatrician's office, I got Dante's application in for preschool, and Scarlett had her 6 month check up!!

Scarlett's check up with our new doc was amazing!  Dr. S. took a good long while measuring where Scarlett is and let me know where she should be (there is, unfortunately, some discrepancy, but I'm working on it.) and answered a million questions.  But it seems that she is supposed to be able to sit independently, and she can't.  Even when I put her in the walker, she leans and then subsequently screams.  And because she can't sit independently, her head is still flat in a spot and it's shifting her ears.  Doc also told me to feed her less formula and get her eating 3 solid meals a day.  I also get to feed her whole milk yogurt already, and meats.  Got some sleeping advice (not sure how to follow through without leaving my husband stuck listening to a screaming baby for a few nights...) and she was incredibly nice about Dante running amok in her office.  So yesterday, I got to put Scarlett in the seat in the cart while shopping and the seat belt helped keep her up.  It was exciting!  I just wish I had been smart enough to take pictures!  GAH!  And she also got to try chicken and apples (spit! spit!) and mashed potatoes (<3) and I made her sit in the walker while I alternated between loading the dishwasher and making her giggle.  Dante really seems to enjoy making her laugh, which is easy for him.  She looks at him (and their dad) like they hung the moon.  I'd like to get that look from her, but I know these two guys will always be her main men!  =D

When I took Dante to turn in his School Choice paperwork at our 1st choice Elementary school, he was so excited!  I thought his head was going to explode!  He ran in circles near the receptionist desk, and she was kind enough to let us go peek in on the 3 and 4 year olds.  He wanted so bad to join them, but instead, he listened to the kids that were doing projects in the hall.  These cute girls we passed were making chains of bead to count to 1000, and others were working on sight words.  But the look on Dante's face told me I was making a fantastic choice to put him in school in general.

Dante amazes me.  Last night (this is the event that inspired me to write right now...), we put him in his crib for a time out (long story, but he earned it 10 times over!) and I sat down.  I'm checking facebook, when out of nowhere, I have Dante's nose in my face.  I look at Hubby, who looks as flabbergasted as I am, and I take him back and put him where he was.  We stood near the open door and watched as he threw one leg, then the other over the side of his crib.  I'm not sure how we are going to deal with this, but we're creative....

And now Scarlett is up and hungry.  Peaches and oatmeal for breakfast!  Yay!

Sunday, January 1, 2012

New Years Day: A Letter to the Kiddos

Dearest Dante and Scarlett,

I wish there were words for how much I really love you guys.  The two of you make the insomnia, excessive coffee drinking and mom jeans totally worth it.  As grumpy as I may be most mornings, I'm just wired that way.  I might not be happy to be awake, but I am so very happy that I am your Mama!

Let's see...Dante.  This year, your ability to communicate has blown me away on a level I was afraid we'd never get to, to be honest.  But every day, you surprise me just a little bit more.  The fact you can call "bullsh*t" at just the right time blows my mind.  But that's a Mama word.  None for you.

Joking aside, Dante, you are incredible!  You learn and grow in so many ways, I love that I get to sit back and watch as you willfully navigate your way through life.  You, sweet monkey, really are going to be a Leader of Men, and I can't wait to see how you use it.  You have been a pretty awesome big brother, and you took Scarlett's arrival into our lives with a kind of grace and humility that most toddlers are not known for.  I am so very proud of you.

I love hearing you sing!  I love that out of nowhere you pick up song lyrics and mangle and manipulate them until they bend to your will, and you dance while you do it.  That's so much fun to watch!  You make me laugh every day, and I am so happy that you are looking forward to school later this year.  I hope that you love learning as much as I do, regardless of whether or not it involves desks and damp hallways.  I have the feeling that you are going to make the world your classroom.  But, please bring me along for the ride.  I want to take pictures.

Scarlett!  You stunning little girl!!  Every time you smile at me, my heart melts!  While it is obvious by the way you look at your dad that you merely tolerate me, I hope you know how incredibly special you are!  You already have very obvious likes and dislikes, and your facial expressions lead me to believe that you are going to be a witty little thing.  You are already set in your ways, and you have trained me well.  I guess when you are running your own research facility, that ability will come quite in handy.  You, my sweet little turtle, are quite the happy baby for the most part, though, and I wouldn't have it any other way.  Your laughter, your smile, your to my poor, ravaged soul.

I'm still a bit flabbergasted as to how you figured out how to give your brother the stink-eye, Miss Thang.  You will shoot him a look that makes me glad looks can't kill!  I have the feeling that if you could talk, I'd hear a lot of commentary that would put you on par with George Carlin, Ricky Gervais, and Louis C.K.  Seriously, sweet cheeks, you have one of the most expressive faces I've ever seen.

And thank you for being such a cuddle bug.  I hope this lasts, because the feel of you on my shoulder, drool and all, makes my innards do a little jig.  And when I am lucky enough to be holding both you and Dante?  Well, knock me over with a feather.  I love how much you love being held.  I love that you recently discovered your feet.  And I love that hair of yours!  The mullet/rat tail is a bit much, but I'm sure as soon as you can sit still and I have a car that will make it to Colorado Springs, Miz Debbie will happily fix that for you.  I really hope we've licked this cowlick thing, too.  Your hair has been looking mighty funky!  Ha!

All in all, I am so thrilled to have the privilege of being Mama to the likes of you two.  You are both such strong, precious little beings...I can't wait (but at the same time, I really can!) to see how the two of you decide to change the world.  Please smile for the camera.