Wednesday, September 19, 2012

The Masochism Cha-Cha...

A friend posted this cool website on Facebook that lets you look p your personality traits based on your birthday.  You even get to plug in a few birthdays and see if you are astrologically compatible with someone. And I am a f-ing MASOCHIST.

Case in point:  I checked me and my best friend, who died almost two years ago:

Title: Empathic Comrades
This combination offers a good example of how a relationship can create synergies. When faced with problems or challenges, for example, those born during the Week of the Child will act more from instinct, while more mental Week of Society persons will hang back a bit; yet this combination’s greatest strengths are neither instinct nor thought but emotion, feeling and empathy. In the long run, the relationship will give each partner the sensitivity to know and understand the other’s feelings. Week of the Child people’s outspokenness and Week of Society individuals’ reflectiveness may occasionally conflict, yet each has much to learn from the other. Often procrastinators,those born during the Week of Society may admire the ability of Week of the Child people to make up their mind and act without endless rumination; headstrong Week of the Child folks, for their part, may learn from Week of Society individuals how to be less rash and to use their common sense. Given the differences in each party’s orientation, this combination would not traditionally be recommended for love affairs, but actually things can work out. The crucial factor will be how strong physical attraction is; that both parties to the relationship enjoy having fun is a big plus. Marriages, on the other hand, may work out very nicely even if sexual or sensuous considerations are downplayed. Comradeship, affection, acceptance—all of these grow stronger in Week of the Child–Week of Society marriages as the years go by. A truly unselfish love is possible between these two, assuming that the Week of the Child person is not overly egotistical and does not ignore Week of Society needs. Week of Society people, meanwhile, must respect the Week of the Child person’s need for independence, yet without being masochistic and losing self-respect. As family members, Week of the Child individuals can help protect Week of Society relatives from being at the mercy of their dark side. Week of the Child people bring not only fun-loving qualities to the sibling or parent-child relationship but also understanding; they know what it is to be beset by moodiness themselves and can usually handle it better in others than deal with their own demons.

(I'm Week of the Child, Chris was Week of Society)

I'm beside myself with grief.  I had to go to the bathroom to cry so my kids didn't wake up thinking a dying seal landed in our living room.  I still feel like I'm missing a piece of my soul.  It sucks, but it's true.  And reading stuff like that doesn't help me.  It makes me think I need a "vacation" in a pretty jacket with buckles and a padded room.  I feel useless and terrible, and my heart is aching like it just broke all over again.

The pain and overwhelming sorrow are becoming a daily occurrence.  Every day, there's a song, or a car, or Scarlett makes a face, and there's a shattering in my chest that won't quit.  Every day, I am broken and miserable. I deserve a gorram Oscar for my happy persona performances.  I can make Doris Day look like the miserable sack I am on the inside.  I keep reminding myself that I need to fake it until it's true, but I'm starting not to care...