I had a choice.

Make fudge and slowly nom on it all night, or go buy a pack of smokes.  So my face is covered in chocolate.  Mmmm, nothing like a fat girl with a fudge mustache.  Meh.  I'd rather be fat than see Dante pretend to smoke again.

My head hurts.  Like, OH MY GODS!  WHO IS SQUEEZING MY AMYGDALA? kind of pain. It's crazy.  I also have little trolls tap dancing on my temples, but they make me laugh, so screw it.

Ever have one of those cabin fever days where it feels like crushing your face with a cast iron skillet would be more fun that what you're doing?  That's how today was.  I am so incredibly dumb:  I decided, on day 2 of Not Smoking, that I was going to make drums with Dante out of baby cheesy poof containers and an old formula can.  People with OCD shouldn't do arts and crafts at home with their kids.  I thought my head was going to explode.  And then Scarlett stuck her feet in glue.  And Dante cut a hole in his new boxer briefs with his blunt scissors.  And colored all over himself with marker.  Oi.

The kids and I got into a splash fight in the tub earlier, which made my heart flutter.  It was a blast!  Scarlett "kicks" by holding on to the bath seat and lifting her butt and legs and splashing them down as hard as she can.  It's hilarious!  Dante just kicks and kicks until I am wiping bathwater off my face.

But Day 2 is almost over.  I am kinda twitchy.  Maybe it's because I haven't had enough coffee.  I think only two huge cups is some kind of record low.  =(

But now I have to have decaf, since it's bedtime.

Well, I'l be!

Today was Day One of No Smoking.  And both kids are still alive and well!  Hell, my head doesn't even hurt that bad!  I'm hoping it stays this easy!  I'm incredibly proud of myself!

While I'm here, I have to write (for posterity's sake) what's been going on with Dante at night.  He's taken to telling me before his lullabies that he Has to Talk to Me.  Usually, it's about Spongebob, or Sesame Street, or Bob the Builder.  Tonight, it was Super Why, and he gave me an elaborate story about how he and the characters went into a book and saved someone with the power of reading!  I nearly choked, trying to keep the laughter on the inside!  Then he told me that he and Bob the Builder were going to build him a teeny tiny house.  I asked him "Will Scarlett live with you?" and he said "Yes, and Tita [abuelita, spanish for grandmother] and Santiago [his cousin], too!"  So I asked, "Where will Mama and Daddy and Tia Paloma and Tio Steven [my in-laws, Santiago's parents] live?"

"Oh, the teeny tiny house is inside the big big house.  Don't worry, Mama.  I love you."


Seriously.  That child is sheer, unadulterated magic.  I love these kids.  Freakin' amazing...

So I am going to play my games as quickly as I can so I can hop in the shower and then melt into bed.  I'm fairly happy, but I may have to have more coffee to compensate for the lack of nicotine...

I hope...

I sincerely hope this is my last cigarette.  I really am.  Almost two months of Chantix, a whole lot of pep talk, and sheer fucking will oughtta do it.  I'm not quitting for my health as much as I'm quitting for Dante, who has decided to start pretending to smoke.  I hate it.  I hate that he knows what a "smoke break" is.  I'm also quitting because of the firmly held belief that if my bestest friend in the whole wide world had quit when he was my age, he could still fucking be here.  (Please pardon all the French; I can't quite help it today...)

And in other news, since I have been meaning to post for a few months now, Scarlett wears a prosthetic helmet.  Her flat head was beginning to become an issue, not just on the squishiness of her face, but her doc and her physical therapist were afraid her optic nerve would get pinched, along with a host of other problems.  So, now she has a helmet with hearts all over it.

Oi.  For those that weren't paying attention, I got a new van for my birthday after my Subaru (bless her tired soul) gave me the finger in a way even I found obscene.  So now I have a minivan.  (Sigh.)  Said minivan decided on Sunday that she was going to pout and not start when I was trying to go get breakfast burritos for us.  Well, that didn't work, and I was stuck at 7-11 with me and Dante until Hubby came and rescued him while I waited for a tow.  Yeah.  So now I am waiting for the mobile mechanic to get his bum this way in traditional Denver rush hour traffic so I can get my car out of one of the dentist's parking spots.

Not too much is going on.  Next week, I get to go to a dear friend's wedding, and I'm taking Scarlett for her 1 year pictures and getting Dante some school clothes at JCPenney.  Not so much because I love what they have; I just really love how they keep featuring gay couples in their advertising.  Gotta support what you believe in!  (One of my soapboxes!)

I am REALLY looking forward to Dante going to school.  I think we are both getting tired of each other.  But that's another post, for another day.  If I can remember I have this thing.  =P

(Oh, and whomever said that it gets easier to function after a friends death with time can go fuck themselves. I miss him more and more every day, and there aren't enough pills on the face of the earth that can help.  Just sayin'.)

~b