I hope...

I sincerely hope this is my last cigarette.  I really am.  Almost two months of Chantix, a whole lot of pep talk, and sheer fucking will oughtta do it.  I'm not quitting for my health as much as I'm quitting for Dante, who has decided to start pretending to smoke.  I hate it.  I hate that he knows what a "smoke break" is.  I'm also quitting because of the firmly held belief that if my bestest friend in the whole wide world had quit when he was my age, he could still fucking be here.  (Please pardon all the French; I can't quite help it today...)

And in other news, since I have been meaning to post for a few months now, Scarlett wears a prosthetic helmet.  Her flat head was beginning to become an issue, not just on the squishiness of her face, but her doc and her physical therapist were afraid her optic nerve would get pinched, along with a host of other problems.  So, now she has a helmet with hearts all over it.

Oi.  For those that weren't paying attention, I got a new van for my birthday after my Subaru (bless her tired soul) gave me the finger in a way even I found obscene.  So now I have a minivan.  (Sigh.)  Said minivan decided on Sunday that she was going to pout and not start when I was trying to go get breakfast burritos for us.  Well, that didn't work, and I was stuck at 7-11 with me and Dante until Hubby came and rescued him while I waited for a tow.  Yeah.  So now I am waiting for the mobile mechanic to get his bum this way in traditional Denver rush hour traffic so I can get my car out of one of the dentist's parking spots.

Not too much is going on.  Next week, I get to go to a dear friend's wedding, and I'm taking Scarlett for her 1 year pictures and getting Dante some school clothes at JCPenney.  Not so much because I love what they have; I just really love how they keep featuring gay couples in their advertising.  Gotta support what you believe in!  (One of my soapboxes!)

I am REALLY looking forward to Dante going to school.  I think we are both getting tired of each other.  But that's another post, for another day.  If I can remember I have this thing.  =P

(Oh, and whomever said that it gets easier to function after a friends death with time can go fuck themselves. I miss him more and more every day, and there aren't enough pills on the face of the earth that can help.  Just sayin'.)

~b

A few more for good measure....

It was fantastic seeing his parents today.  I'm still in an amazing amount of pain, but I can only assume that it will lessen as years pass.

This was the one cd from his collection that I asked for.  I loved giving him shit about it.  I'd do almost anything to give him shit about it again...

We went to Spirit Winds first, so I could get HIS mocha, and damn, it was sweet!  We chatted, and it was good.

Then we went for pizza.  Tiffany's is closed on Mondays, so we went to Dion's.  Chatted some more.  Then I went to where Nabes used to be and listened to Silence by Delerium.  I'm spent.

Days 28-31

I haven't been able to get on the computer.  Busy, yes, but also not able to get the damn internet to work on my mom's computer.

This past year has been...odd.  I can't put into words how much I miss him.  I feel like I lost a limb, at best.  There is no way I can describe with words or music what we had.  It was an intangible bond that was so strong, his death woke me from a deep sleep.  Let me explain.

Last October 30, I put Dante to bed early and was out cold by midnight.  I sat straight up, wide awake around 1 or 130am, and I knew in my soul that something was wrong.  I knew someone had died.  I put my hand on my  husbands chest...he was fine.  I crept into Dante's room, and he was fine.  But I couldn't shake that feeling. I was baffled, so I went to the bathroom, smoked a cigarette, and went to bed.  It was a scary, fitful sleep.  Woke up early and went with Dante to Walgreen's to get candy on the off chance we got trick or treaters, and took him home to get us ready for trick or treating at the zoo.

At the zoo, I got a text message from facebook telling me that Brenda, his mom, had finally accepted my friend request, and I was stoked!  At this point, I had finally gotten Chris back for exactly two weeks.  I didn't get the text message from facebook telling me Brenda sent me a message.  I got that message when I got home.

It was hell on earth.  I felt like my lungs were trying to escape from the confines of my chest.  I could have  be a sworn that if I looked down, there was going to be a gaping hole square in the center of my chest.  Then that feeling that woke me in the middle of the night washed over me like a bath of hot lava.  This was it.  I thought I was going to snap under the weight of this crushing news.

Chris was so much more than my best friend.  He was my platonic soul mate.  He was my rock for an amazing amount of time, if I let myself remember.  He celebrated my joys with me and mourned my losses.  When he needed me (so rare for him to admit it....), I was there.  I cried with him when his grandmother died, he held me after I lost a few friends.  He made me laugh when I thought the dumbest things were the end of the world, and as far as I am concerned, he hung the moon.  He challenged my beliefs, he shoved me when I needed it most, and best of all he listened to things I didn't have to say.  On more than one occasion he sacrificed his bed so I could crash between trips to and from Denver and Las Cruces.  He'd grab a pillow and crash on his madly uncomfortable couch so I could rest.  He shared his music collection with me.  Convinced me to see movies I had no interest in (I had no desire to see the Matrix.  Seriously.)  He gave me so very much.  I took him for granted, and for that, I am eternally sorry.  I hope he got as much from me.  I'll never know, and that is a chunk of my pain.

It's a constant hum in my ears.  This fear that I wasn't as good to him as he was to me.  He asked for so little, it's hard to tell.  But it nags and gnaws at me like a wolf at my heels.  Whomever created the Universe broke the mold when they made him.  I have yet to meet anyone who is anything like him.

In my head, I can replay his old voicemail message, I heard it so many times.  I hope I never lose that.  That
would be a terrible day in a way I don't want to imagine.  His tone, his infliction...you can tell someone pissed him off and he was trying to mask said anger with a sing-song tone on his "Hi."  I remember the bitch that pissed him off, too.  She'd call until his phone wanted to kill itself, then she'd get mad at him for  not answering while he was at work!  Sheesh!

I have so many stories.  So many happy memories with him.  We gave each other so much crap, I'm sure we were fantastic to watch from afar.

At the very least, I know I amused the hell out of him.

~*~

Yes.  Dead Man's Party.  As sad as I am, I have to be grateful for him.  To him.  I have to celebrate the life that made mine infinitely better.  I love and miss you, Chris.  I hope somewhere in the ether you love and miss me, too. My heart hurts without you.

Days 26 and 27

TWICE I heard this song while trying to get here to Las Cruces:  Once on the first trip to the airport, and I tried to ignore it, and again at 7-11 before we went to the airport at 5am yesterday.  I took it as a sign.

Chris is the one that introduced me to this band, and he still liked them, I think, after I gave up on them.  I think I wore this cd out, for one, and two, I saw them on Leno.  She can't carry a tune!  This is all in-studio artwork, not talent.  But this song brought back so many memories when I heard it (twice) and I barely stopped myself from crying both times I heard it.

~*~

Oi.   So here I am in Las Cruces, and I am trying very hard to keep it together.  Monday is gedtting here faster than I had imagined it would, and I'm getting to bat shit crazy faster than I thought was possible...

This is the song Scarlett was born to.  Her eyes are still an amazing blue that make me miss him even more if I stare at them long enough.  While I'm not sure if he was a Diorama fan, this has to go somewhere in this mess....

Day 25

I heard this song in the car yesterday when Dante and I went to run an errand, and I almost had to pull over.

I posted the video with the lyrics for a reason.  Read 'em and weep.

Days 23 & 24

I am very excited for my trip to NM, so let's see what my brain looks for on YouTube....

HA!  Chris asked me to listen to this album, and I did.  And this is madly appropriate since I'm flying out of Denver tomorrow.....

~*~

I had to post this version of this song.  This song brings back some amazing memories, and this tour is when I got to see Skinny Puppy (Chris = Skinny Puppy for me...) with Chris in 2004.  There is no one else on Earth that I could have seen Skinny Puppy live with and been satisfied.  I feel like I have to clutch these memories to my chest as tight as I can.  

This trip is going to be rough.  The last time I was in LC, he was alive; we just weren't speaking.  Now that he's gone, and I am planning on still going to places we used to go, I may just randomly burst into tears.  If I'm going to see you while I'm there, don't be surprised.

Day 19-22

Four songs.

ok.

I will never forget when Chris asked me to listen to this.  I knew the song; I have the album somewhere....I fell in love with this band when I saw them open for Staind and Godsmack many, many moons ago.  But I hadn't heard this acoustic version.  It took these lyrics to a whole new level...

Another song he wanted me to hear.  And I listened.

If you didn't know this was by the Pet Shop Boys, and you were born after 1970, I will hit you.

BIG OL' SIGH.

Day 18

Hittin' the home stretch...it may get more sappy and goopy from here on out.  You've been warned!

Blood by System Syn - Music and Lyrics written by Clint Carney

A new day has opened up
Another sunrise you have missed
We miss you,
But it's not the same
On the road, the years move fast
And every state of mind won't last
We thought we'd live forever
Or just long enough to say goodbye

Say everything
Say anything to me
Say everything
And they will bury it with me

One day I may learn to speak
Say all the things I've buried deep
But I'm a coward so I hide
Behind these songs

Say everything
Say anything to me
Say everything
And they will bury it with me

Say everything
Say anything to me
Say everything
And they will bury it with me
And they will bury it with me

When years have passed
And I'm not here
Know that we shared this fear
All the things you couldn't say
Well, you weren't the only one

Say everything
Say anything to me
Say everything
And they will bury it with me

Say everything
Say anything to me
Say everything
And they will bury it with me

And they will bury it with me

And they will bury it with me


One of the last times we chatted before he stopped talking to me, this album came out, and when he passed, this song haunted me.  Had I been lucky enough to see System Syn last month, Clint actually promised to play this song if I made it.  Clint was very nice about it, and understood why I wanted (nay, NEEDED) to hear it.  How perfect is this song?  How perfect are the lyrics?  Never in a million years did I ever think my best friend would die while we are still in our 30's.  Never did I think I wouldn't have the opportunity to say goodbye.  His death has shaken my beliefs to the point where I find myself grasping at straws, praying for an afterlife, but keenly aware that the odds are not in my favor.  On one hand, I have to cling to the belief that there is an afterlife, so that when I shuffle off this mortal coil, I will see him, and my great grandparents, and my friends that I lost in Iraq.  But the more shit that piles upon my little world (and the whole world in general) regardless of my actions and morals, the more I can't help but think this is it.  It scares me.  It shakes me.  Some days I am left wondering if all this time the direction I thought was "up" was actually "sideways."  Damn.  I miss him.

Days 16 and 17

I didn't touch my computer from around 2am yesterday until about half an hour ago.  I feel ... off.

Then again, I've always been a bit off; 'bout damn time I felt it, non?

Right.  So....

I just love this song.  I love that no matter where I was, or who I was with, if this song came on, I thought of Chris.  This song is like an audible hug.  I appreciate that now even more than I used to.

I can't help but not make comments and just sigh.  If I let myself, I can momentarily forget that he's gone.  The longer I keep posting these songs, the more glaring and painful it is.  But he always noted that I'm notorious for not finishing what I start, so gods help me, I am going to see this through.

~*~

Another karaoke post.  He sang this one really well, too.  More than once, I witnessed his prowess with this particular tune get him either a phone number or a drink.  (Or both.)  Seriously.  And on more than one occasion, we discussed this song and its psychology.

I butchered so many songs, but this one I was actually consistently good with.  Once, he told me it was because, obviously, this song is about being my particular breed of nut.  I punched him in the arm, we finished our drinks, and got on with our night.

There was this one bar we went to on Juan Tabo (gods help me, I can't remember the name!) and once, this drunk girl decided she was going to annihilate this song beyond recognition.  The look on her face was that of embarrassment,  shame, and shock, so in a flash, I ran up behind her and sang loudly over her shoulder.  Then she got a bit quieter and put her arm around me and we finished it together.  Kinda.  She then bought my drink, ordered herself a coffee and a cab ride, and she was gone in two songs.  Chris just sat at our table, chuckling the whole time, and he thanked me, too.  It was HORRENDOUS what that girl was doing to this song!  LOL!

Day 15

These are from cd's that he had that didn't make it ripped to his hard drive, but I loved giving him smack about them.  Every time I admired his collection, these two cd's (and there's one more, but that's for later) stood out like a sore thumb.

Oh, the crap I gave him for this.  I never understood why he had it, and Chris being Chris, he never even tried to justify it.  He'd just shrug, and divert my attention, which is quite easy when you have my attention span.

I'm fairly certain it was this Mariah Carey album he had.  I just remember spraining my eyebrow when I saw it between all those industrial, ebm and metal cd's.  Quite amusing.  I know there are skeletons of odd things in my collection, but I think it's different in my case.  I have New Kids on the Block tapes that I got in 5th grade.  Very different from being a Megadeth fan in your late teens purchasing a Mariah Carey album.  =P

Day 14

So, here's some more hilarity that I found on Chris' old hard drive.  Just when you think you know a guy....

I can't help but think he was reeeeeaaaaaallllllly bored and decided to think outside the Rivet Head Box.  I will admit that this song is incredibly catchy, and if it gets stuck in your head like it just did mine, sorry!

I've got one more up my sleeve for now.  I'll post it tomorrow.

Day 13

When he gave me his old hard drive, I was pleasantly surprised to find this song on there.  It's a fantastic song, and I should have known better.  I think, for the next few days, I will share some of the more hilarious stuff I found on there.  And it's hilarious because if you saw him, and saw the rest of his collection, these songs would make your brain start smoking.  And to be honest, his eclectic (and almost surprising) taste is one of the many things I absolutely loved about him.  That, and he can take the ribbing better than most people.  And I'm ruthless.  =D

You have no idea what I'd give to give him mad amounts of crap just one more time.  Sigh.

Day 12

Only one song today....

There isn't an actual video for this song and that makes for a sad Brandy.  I love this song, and I love why I love it.  Let me explain.  I told Chris that I was going to see And One here in Denver, and he told me that The Echoing Green was opening for them.  He suggested I find them online and give them a listen before the show so I'd know what to expect, and I decided I wanted a surprise.  He told me that a mutual friend was taking classes from the bands mastermind and lead singer, Joey, and I was intrigued.  (The Echoing Green is from ABQ.)  But I waited, like a good little girl.  I figured it would be like Christmas in February.  (2008, if you're curious.)

I dragged my bestie to the show, and we had fun before the bands even started.  It was nice to get out and such.  As soon as they took the stage, she recognized the live key player.  Seems she went to HS with him!  What are the odds?  I forgot the name of the band he was actually in, but they're pretty good, too.  (They opened for another band I saw.  Damn, I wish I remembered their name!)

As soon as this song started, I felt something stir in my innards, and I fell in love with this song by the time he got to the chorus the first time.  I decided in that second that I needed to own this album.  (I actually bought it the next day at Vendetta Records, another indie record store that no longer exists.  Damn.)

I called Chris the next day gushing about how much I loved The Echoing Green and thanked him repeatedly for telling me about them.  I'm sure if he hadn't, I would have gotten there late and spent the last bit of their set outside chain smoking.  I am so glad I was there on time to give them a listen.  In hindsight, I'm sure I amused the hell out of him, I'm just this side of insane....

I can't help but sit and wonder where on Earth I'd be if Chris hadn't made his way into my life.  He's saved me on numerous occasions, and he gave me a different, albeit warped, perspective that I'd never think to think about.  I'm sad that I missed time with him while he was in Michigan.  I'm sorry that I missed his entire stint in the Pacific Northwest.  I'm incredibly sorry that I missed as many moments as I did.

Days 9, 10, and 11...

Gotta love weekends...

*big sigh*

It's all Chris' fault I fell in love with this song.  So here are a few comedy videos for day 9.

HA!  In case anyone wonders how I even heard of Bob and Tom.... (since they're a morning show, and I am NOT a morning person...)

Yeah.  Chris and I made an interesting pair.  =D

~*~

Yeah, another day, yet there's a funny video?  We had a blast running through these on the internet many moons ago.  =D

This is a rare instance where I don't remember who got who into Rotersand.  I think I saw 'em live first, but I could be wrong.

Oh, And One...This was another song that reminded him of me.  In hindsight, that's probably not a good thing.  LOL!  This song is a gateway drug to the rest of their music.  Seriously.  And for the record, they put on a helluva show...

~*~

We agreed on this album as a whole.  It may be why we got along so well....

I got into Mazzy Star in high school, before I even met Chris, but long after the memory of this song had all but faded, he reminded me how much I loved it.  =D

When I met Kristi Thursk, I told her how much I loved this album, and especially this song.  (Chris found it many, MANY moons ago...) and she looked at me like I had two heads.  Apparently I was the first person she met during that tour that even knew she ever was in The Rose Chronicles.  I felt all kinds of bad ass.  

*sigh*

I miss him.

You and Me Have Seen Everything to See...

An extra for today.  Today was one of those days that The Universe just decided to give me what I needed.  I went to bed around 4am, which is earlier than usual.  Slept until Scarlett needed to be fed around 6, and again around 9.  I woke up around noon to hit the loo and Dante was up.  I figured that was odd since he didn't fall asleep until almost 4am, and I know this because I can't sleep until he's out.  So Hubby got him up, and I made him some oatmeal and threw on some Sesame Street for him and then Scarlett decided she was hungry, so I fed her, put her back down, put Dante back to bed, and went down myself for a few extra Z's.

Woke up around 345p, and lo and behold, I missed a call from Chris' mom.  I called her back, and what do you know?!  They were in Ft. Collins!  WHOOT!  So we made plans to meet up and I got the kids dressed and we went to Walgreen's really quick for a couple things and luckily, my neighbor (and precious friend) went with us.  Came home, dropped off the goodies and ran to Starbucks.  Chris' parents got here pretty quick and we had a great chat.  Seems they were on an adventure across the West, and were on their way home.  I got to see pictures of an amazing cattle drive, and all kinds of cool things.  I am so incredibly grateful that my friend stayed with her cuties!  A) they are incredibly precious, and B) Dante wasn't so interested at first to see his Other Grandparents; he wanted to hang out with his buddy.

While we were getting ready to go, I realized that the DVR recorded Death Cab for Cutie's Storytellers episode.  I really only like them because of this song, and because the lead singer is married to one of my favorite actresses (Zooey Deschanel).  I never would have even heard this song if it wasn't for That Episode of Scrubs.  Have you seen the episode where JD and Turk hang out with George, who's on his deathbed, skipping their Steak Night?  I had seen that episode countless times before Chris passed, and last year, after he was gone, I saw it again, and this song caught my ear.  I sat and sobbed when I saw that episode and heard this song, and today was no different.  I skipped to this part of that Storytellers, and without even realizing what happened, I started sobbing.  Again.  Before I even knew what I was doing, I found myself singing along, in tears, clutching my framed photograph of Chris and one of our mutual friends.  If there was an upside to my crying like a limb fell off my body, Dante listened to me.  In between sobs, I asked him to please get into his seat in the stroller, and he did.

When the song was over, I wiped my face, found Dante's sippy cup and tucked him into the stroller with a blanket.  I ran downstairs and we were off.

Bless my precious son.  While I was in tears, before I asked him to sit in his stroller, he hugged my legs.  I think I am raising a very empathetic child, and I am sure that it's a good thing.  This is the gorgeous little boy that will kiss his sister when she cries.  When she was sleeping yesterday, he took her a comb and a couple binkies so she wouldn't be alone.  He gives her hugs and kisses and he will tell me "Scarlett mad" when she screams and my hands are full.  It's sweet.  Just when I thought I couldn't love that child anymore, he finds a way to make my heart swell.

I may be incredibly sad.  I may be missing a limb I didn't know I had until it was gone.  But gods help me, I am so incredibly blessed.  I know it, and I am incredibly grateful.

Day 7 and 8, While I'm Here....

I didn't spend a whole of time on the computer today...it was lovely.

This one goes hand in hand (for obvious reasons) with this:

I actually considered naming Scarlett "Carmina" because of these two songs.  When I first heard "Love Never Dies," I knew I knew where I'd heard that sample, and it was Chris that found the opera for me.  I went over, he turned in on, cranked up "O Fortuna" and we sat on his patio and watched the sun set, Dr. Peppers in one hand, Camels in the other.  And there was nothing to say, which - for us - was an oddity.  Usually, we could talk like our mouths were on fire, but we just sat.  And enjoyed beautiful music and the gorgeous Albuquerque sunset.

~*~

He tried quizzing me with this song.  But the second I heard her voice, I knew who it was.  I am a HUGE fan of her music, and for once, he wasn't able to fool me.  LOL!

I am of the opinion that this song doesn't need any of my bull.  I picked this of all of her songs for obvious reasons.

Day 6

I heard this in the car today, and I think it's fitting...

Sigh.  I remember when this album came out.  I bought it from this cute record store that doesn't exist in Las Cruces any more, and as soon as I popped into the cd player in my darling blue zit of a Honda Civic, I called Chris and we chatted about it.  It's amazing how many cd's I have that are thanks to him.  I trusted him.  If he told me to RUN to get an album, I trusted him and hauled balls to either that little indie record store or Hastings and picked it up or special ordered it.  Very rarely did he steer me wrong.  (Personal taste being what it is...)  Wow...I'm blown away by how much I miss him....

Day 5

This is harder than I thought it was going to be.  Not just because I miss him, but because there are SO MANY songs that mean a lot to me!  There are literally THOUSANDS of songs that remind me of him, or are by bands that we enjoyed together or saw together.  Or bands that he found on accident that he HAD to share with me.  Or bands that I found by accident...This has been rough.  How do you define 14+ years with just 31 days of music posts?  I sure am trying, though.  I want so bad to do him justice.

There will be more Skinny Puppy, trust me.  But this one had to be posted first since we saw Skinny Puppy on this tour on October 17th, 2004.  He totally understood how proud I was to have Nivek Oghr spittle/green jell-o on my chest and the chocolate pudding.  (That's how close we were to the stage!)  This date rings a bell, too, not only because it's my mom's birthday, but when we finally spoke again, it was October 17th, 2010.  And then he was gone two weeks later....

I hate the Cruxshadows.  I didn't for a long time...hell, I think I've seen them 8 or 9 times, all but one time with Chris.  I got pretty tired of them, and this stuff gets pretty old.  But he loved them.  And he loved this video.  He thought it was hilarious, though I doubt that was their intention.  We had a fun road trip to Denver to see them.  I lived in Las Cruces and since he was in ABQ, I drove up to see him, then we took his car to Denver and we saw them at The Gothic.  We got here, saw the show, turned around and I crashed at his place and drove back to LC the next day.  As much as I don't like this band anymore, that was a really fun trip.  We got to pick each others' brains, and while we were so very different, we were kindred spirits, if you believe in that hooey.  Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.  I'm weird, I guess.  All I know is that I miss him.

Day 4

I'm posting two videos today, and I'll explain why....

This is my karaoke post.  We used to sing karaoke at a couple different bars around ABQ, and he sang this SO WELL!  If you were standing outside when he sang this, you'd swear the dj was just blasting Megadeth.  He had perfect pitch, the perfect tone...it was insanely awesome to watch/see!

And this is the song that I butchered week after week.  He never bitched, just gave me a hug.  Every time.  Kinda weird, now that I think about it.  But I guess that's all I can do, right?  Think...and think...and think....

*sigh*

Yet another thing that we always did that we'll never get to do again.

On that note (ha!), I am going to bed.

A song a Day: Days 2 & 3

I'm posting 2 tonight for a few reasons, and one of them is because I just barely hopped on the computer.  Who knew there is a world outside from my computer?  Heh.

I picked House on Fire because while I don't specifically remember when we found Assemblage 23, but it was right after this album came out.  If memory serves, this is the song that Kentifyr played that got the both of us hooked.  I will ALWAYS equate Assemblage 23 with Chris.  I am sure there will be another A23 track somewhere on this list, but I figure this is a good place to start.

I probably should have put this track before A23, but this isn't really supposed to be in any order.  This song (maybe not this version...) was on a compilation album called Tales from the Vault that my friend Hek made on his own label.  I had an extra copy, and I gave it to Chris.  I knew he'd like it, and this (consider the imagery) was one of the first tracks he picked up on.

So far, this is a nice (and appropriate) outlet for what I'm going through in my head.  It's a mess up there.